I Have Been

I have been the solo star

First baby in the family

Smiling at lenses-- eyes and cameras

The one who feeds off attention

I have been the devious rascal

Older sister to three boys

Sharpie on walls, lotion on hardwood floors

The one who creates joyful chaos

I have been the terrified martyr

Ringleader of the naughty children

Shaking as I search for strong, long sticks in the woods

The one who deserves to be punished

I have been the anxious pleaser

Straight-A student, club president, varsity dancer

Seeking validation in merit-based systems

The one who overworks to feel worthy

I have been the covert escape artist

Functional alcoholic and weekend stoner

Poisoning her body and mind until she was numb

The one who buries pain with pleasure

I have been the cold-hearted lover

Future doctor with plans far more important than him

Cutting ties that may tether me down

The one who lives in fear failure

I have been the uncaged bird

College student in a big new city

Flying and flitting, tasting the flavors of freedom

The one who says yes to it all

I have been the dutiful daughter

Helper when a virus invaded Father’s brain

Comforting Mother, exuding cyber optimism

The one who suffers in silence

I have been the artist’s muse

Damsel in distress, moth to the flame

Thirsting to be consoled, admired, heard, seen

The one who disappears without his gaze

I have been the woman overboard

Single passenger of a luxury cruise

Drowning quietly in dark waters while the ship moves on

The one who gets lost at sea

I have been the wandering seeker

Meditator, yogi, dancer, artist, writer

Expressing, emoting, and digging for her essence

The one who survives her ego-death

I have been the mighty phoenix

Warrior woman walking with purpose

Returning to reclaim her education and future

The one who rises from the ashes

I have been the impassioned healer

Tormentor to some, inspiration to others

Demanding her loved ones share in her visions

The one who screams her truth

I have been the recovering soulmate

Partner to a being who loves my everything

Empowered to exist authentically, unconditionally

I love my own everything.

I am the humbled student

Fallen angel, stapled wings plucked off

Pressing my wet cheeks against the welcoming soil

I accept I am not yet healed.

I am the gentle storyteller

Open book to all who are willing to listen

Sharing my journey with you, my brothers and sisters

I speak my truth.

I am what I have been.

I am not what I have been.

I am Light, Universe, God, Love, Source.

I am. 

-Cynthia Kim-Eumie Shockley

Writing this poem was supremely healing for me. In all honestly, I spent hours—HOURS— crying, writing, taking breaks, feeling into these versions of self that I have lived into and shed, layer by layer. I understand that I’m not done healing. I understand that I will never be done. I am ignited by this understanding and I will pursue this painful, beautiful process of shedding my layers. I have experienced my connection to the divine light and love that exists in each and every one of is, and I trust that this connection will always be there as I evolve through the versions of self yet to come.

You are never alone. We are all in this together, truly.